In the beginning, there was luck, coincidence, and perhaps a hint of irony: thanks to the correct chemical composition of the atmosphere, the right temperature, the presence of water, plus an unspecified number of other factors, it was possible for a living organism as complex as a human being to evolve. But as improbable as the emergence of human life was in cosmic history, what is even more remarkable is that we humans are now working so doggedly to reduce the likelihood that we will remain on Earth. Cue the climate catastrophe. While it is no longer possible to sell products, irrespective of quality and price, unless they are packaged in recycled cardboard and covered in eco-labels to give us the superficial impression that everything is fine and already being taken care of, the facts increasingly tell us otherwise. I don’t know if it’s just me, but sometimes life – and we’re all just giving it our best shot, after all – feels a bit like a retrospective. Like the recollection of a time when it was still normal to be able to buy a pineapple at the supermarket for four dollars fifty, our country was at peace, and it was to be expected that you’d turn on the faucet and water would come out, clean and readily available.

The calm before the storm: I’ve never been able to understand as well as I do today those end-of-days fantasies that have existed throughout human history. Therefore, the extremely shaky and uncertain situation of the present day seems to be a good vantage point from which to look at the very best of human apocalypse scenarios.

The Black Death – It’s the end of the world and we know it

In fourteenth-century Europe, we had a pretty good setup: the Earth was at the center of the universe, with humans (especially men) as the crowning glory of divine creation. This was all fine and dandy – until an ominous alliance of rats and fleas sent out a friendly reminder of who really wore the pants. Those who were infected first developed a fever and then strange lumps all over their bodies; shortly afterward, they died. Anyone could catch it. The end of the world seemed so close you could almost taste it. Self-flagellation, penance, and prayers became the typical way to prepare for the end of the world, because while the cause of the pandemic remained unknown, any idea, no matter how absurd, was given credence. For example, the plague was attributed to poor air quality (things that were alleged to counteract this were burning lavender and putting rose water or garlic in one’s clothing) or witchcraft. The latter idea gained a lot of traction; even centuries later, women in particular were cruelly tortured and executed because they were supposedly to blame for diseases, failing harvests, long winters, or whatever else. Both, however, were ineffective against the plague, especially when compared to simple hygiene practices. That is why, even today, we must question whether we should be burning lavender to prevent diseases and whether people with extremely limited power resources should be held responsible for global disasters.

The Great Disappointment – While I waited, I was wasting away

If it was all going to be over in a few months, what would we do? The next property purchase would probably slide down our list of priorities. This was the case for the so-called Millerites in the 1830s. They were named after the US-American Baptist William Miller, who, after intensive study of biblical prophecies, concluded that the return of Christ was undoubtedly approaching – in fact, it would happen on October 22, 1844.

Finding this quite plausible, his followers sold or gave away their possessions and their land. After all, you only live once. On the prophesied day, thousands of people gathered in churches and fields in anticipation of the end of the world. But when the time finally came... nothing. No fireballs, no choir of angels, not even a small comet. It’s quite possible they all just stood there instead, staring at each other in disbelief while the horrible realization slowly dawned on them: »What have we done?«

Historiography has not exactly been kind to the Millerites: the supposed end of humanity ended up as nothing more than a footnote and was given the somewhat disrespectful name of »The Great Disappointment.«

For some of Miller’s followers, the disappointment was so great that instead of leaving the movement, they quickly founded a new one. Since then, some Seventh-day Adventists have believed that we are living in the »end times« and that the return of Christ is more or less imminent. Sounds better than the climate crisis, if you ask me.

Y2K – Welcome to the new millennium

A new era, new things to fear: by the end of the 1990s, belief in the Last Judgment had receded somewhat, but we had developed so much technologically that we could imagine a whole new way in which humanity could end. Many people believed that the transition from 1999 to 2000 would lead to a global collapse of computer systems. Most computer programs only took into account the last two digits of the year, and 00 stood for nothing less than... well... nothing. Aviation, banks, industry, nuclear power plants: an infrastructure crash of apocalyptic proportions was feared. People began to prepare for the worst by stockpiling food, taking bunker-building courses, and even digging out old typewriters. But probably the worst incident caused by the Y2K phenomenon was when a twenty-two-year-old man in the US narrowly escaped a fire when his basement exploded.
He had squirreled away emergency supplies there, including butane gas and gasoline.

In the end, the only global damage caused by Y2K was from the photos of younger versions of ourselves grinning slightly stupidly through the middle two zeros of our »welcome to the new millennium« glasses.

Species Extinction – It’s getting real now

Compared to the hysteria surrounding Y2K or the wacky measures taken against the plague in the Middle Ages, there is very little noise being made about the catastrophe we’re currently witnessing. Species extinction is happening before our very eyes and – though this may come as a surprise to some – despite the fact that we all signed that petition to save the bees. The current species extinction is considered to be the sixth mass extinction in the history of Earth. I mean, even the meteorite that was responsible for wiping out the dinos would be proud of us. We’re doing a great job. Habitat destruction, overexploitation of resources, climate change, introduction of non-native species, and pollution – that was all us! Around one million animal and plant species are currently threatened with extinction. But humans are not one of them. Or so we think. Somehow, we still seem to regard ourselves as the crowning glory of divine creation, the center of the universe, and all the rest of it. But in fact, species extinction has the potential to jeopardize our nutritional foundation (due to a lack of pollination and soil fertility), our air quality (due to a lack of plant filtration), and our prosperity (due to a lack of bionics and, let’s face it, all of the above). It’s a bit like the plague in the Middle Ages. Nothing we’re doing to counteract it is helping resolve the problem. I can only hope that we take effective action quite soon (and boxes made of recycled cardboard and eco-labels are not it) so that in a few decades I can write a funny article about species extinction as an apocalypse scenario of the past. But to be honest, I don’t really believe that will happen.